I realized why it’s so hard to say sorry to someone you love. I’m not talking about people you’re kinda close with or that you had a brief relationship with. I’m talking about people that REALLY know you and that have seen it all. People that deserve your love more than anyone but don’t always get it because, in your heart, you know they will always be there for you. That can be dangerous and is also kind of an unsettling thought to wrap my head around. The times I feel most guilty are when I think about how I could have been a better sister, girlfriend, daughter, or best friend. I don’t know, maybe it’s just me, but I’ve been the most fucked up to the people closest to me because, well, honestly, I know deep down inside that there’s a 99% chance they will love me even if I’m not perfect. But then I go down this road where I forget to appreciate them, apologize properly and show them how much they mean to me.
Listen, deep down inside, THEY KNOW and fuck, you know what they feel about you, but it feels fucking good to hear it and to feel it again at that moment. The thought of apologizing to my brother or my mom for maybe not being there as much as I would have hoped makes me want to hide in my room and cry for three months. Because how could you possibly be so good to everyone else and give so much but not be able to do the same for the people closest to you. I’m slightly rambling and don’t have an exact endpoint so let me try and wrap this up by saying you don’t need to say sorry because they wouldn’t know what you’re talking about. You'd have to list the games you missed, time you told your sister, she was a bitch, or apologize for the calls you ignored and the advice you were too lazy to give. The times you yelled at them because you knew if you yelled at the person that deserved it, they wouldn’t be around anymore. So anyway, instead of listing all the things and pouring all your guilt onto them. Just grab them by the face and look them in the eyes and tell them thank you and that you love them. You won’t need to explain anything because they will know. We don’t do that enough. Remind the people closest to us how grateful we are for them. How much we love them. We say I love you all the time and write obligatory birthday cards once a year, but the thank yous that hit differently are the ones that come at the moment from your heart. That feeling where you could almost cry ( or fully cry like me in every situation) that’s when they will feel the magic.
xx maika