"He spotted something shiny peeking through a crack in my shell and kept an eye on it. Getting closer and closer to it every day. Then one day he grew the confidence to touch it, when he did all of these emotions that were held inside for so long came gushing out. But he was there to catch them and fill the crack back up with love. Now he's gone and I'm left here with an open wound bleeding to death without his love to heal it."
I wrote that the same week my heart was broken. I'm sharing this because I want to show you that it's possible to love and be loved in a relationship with someone you deserve even after you've been crushed by someone. Long story short, this fucker somehow managed to crack through that shell, and everything I was holding in just exploded out and I fell so hard in love it was intense. He poked at every insecurity I had about myself and about love in general and forced me to face it. He would sit with me until 2 in the morning and help me put each thing, one by one, behind me until I was finally myself again. I was the happiest I had been in years. We were a full blown couple at this point, I came to his games and he came to my races. I became close with his whole team, coaches, physical therapists, managers the whole gang. We were together for many months when suddenly he had to leave to go to Europe to visit his family once his sports season was over. He left for a week and when he returned, he ended up admitting to me that he was ENGAGED (yes you read that correctly), with someone already for a couple of years and that she lives in Europe where his family is from. When I tell you guys my heart stopped beating, I'm not fucking around. I didn't believe him at first until he continued to tell me about how he's been hiding it from me and that his WHOLE TEAM knows but he told everyone to keep it a secret because he loved me and was trying to find a way to end things with her.
OK PAUSE...just so we are clear here, not only do I have to deal with the pain and embarrassment of knowing I am now apparently a side-bitch, I find out simultaneously that the group of people I have been hanging out with and calling my friends every day knew that my boyfriend had a fiancé the whole time. ISN'T THAT FUN!!!??? He cried in my arms begging me to forgive him and told me he was going back next week to break up with her, and that they barely even see each other because she doesn't want to live in Israel with him. I somehow try to forgive him just from the sheer fact that I only see two options: forgive or die of heartbreak. A few days pass, he leaves for Europe and calls me to tell me he did it and that he told his parents they were over. After that conversation, the man disappears for almost a month without saying a word to me. He sends me one picture on the coast of fucking Italy somewhere in between the silence and when he returns to Israel, he ignores my existence. It turned into a vicious 2 week cycle of back and forth between us until he finally decides to grow a pair and tell me he wants to break up. THEN makes me feel crazy for trying so hard to be with him after HE told me about this fucking secret fiancé and begs me to still stay with him. The month after this I was physically ill. I cried at least once a day wasn't hungry, didn't want to go outside, and was really honestly just broken. Every day I woke up feeling so much hate and probably plotted ways to kill him a couple of times hahaha.
Then finally I woke up one morning and was like, WTF MAYA!!!! Why are you so upset? Where is the main source of the pain coming from? Is it just the heartbreak? Or is it the thought that maybe there was something wrong with you and that's why he did what he did? Maybe I wasn't good enough or he didn't ever really love me. THOSE THOUGHTS were the ones that instantly made my stomach hurt the "self hate" thoughts and that's when I knew I would be able to move on from this because it wasn't on me, and it wasn't my fault he decided to fuck me over! It's not that I'm able to get over people fast or that the process suddenly became so easy. I just realized that I can't take other people's problems to heart. If you don't want to be with me, if you fucked me over, if you treated me like shit, well...THAT'S ON YOU!! You can't control other people and what they decide to do.
Ya it hurts, ya I cry sometimes thinking about it, but I refuse to think any less of myself and/or let it affect how I view other people. Just because he fucked up doesn't mean the next one will. It hurts and it might hurt for a little while but you have to keep moving forward. None of us are perfect and even though he did a horrible thing to me doesn't mean I should let it destroy me or take away all the love I felt until that moment. So that's when I accepted the pain because without this pain I am feeling right now I would not have felt all that love and would never have been able to grow and open up the way that I did with him. Once I got into that mindset I felt free and so relieved. I think some people that are in relationships now with someone new are scared to talk about previous loves or are afraid to admit they were ever in love. As if they feel guilty forever loving someone deeply before their partner now. That's so silly! I don't believe that there's only ONE soulmate that you will meet your whole life and that's it. There are different kinds of soulmates for different relationships and different types of love. Not each love is meant to last forever and not each soulmate is meant to be "the one."
If you're going through a bad heartbreak or feel like your previous ones are preventing you from opening your heart again, I hope that this post helps you work through it!!! LUB YOU GUYS!! I always love to hear your thoughts so comment on my most recent post here so I can see it and send you some love!!
xx Maika